journal.

this is an excerpt from ophelia speaks
"This is not what i want to want.
i want a macho jock, who's sweet (at heart), and naive about what's important.
i want to want someone to whom my friends get along,
someone who picks me up in a car and takes me to a movie and back to his house to kiss under his bedcovers and pretend it's forbidden
.... to you it isnt, is it? somehow, i imagine that to you sex is natural, easy, necessary, nothing to giggle about, nothing to wonder about.
i love the dark, the stubble, the thick slits of black eyelash with your white-toothed smile, your carved from granite jaw.
you bite your nails.
you wear fuck-the-world clothes
you are too into music and film, you make me feel dumb for thinking I'm artsy...
i love that you make me laugh.
i love the color of your skin
i love your smile (love! your smile! its amazing...!)
i love that you can be immature, while still you remain one of the only mature ones to me.
i hate that some of my friends would go so far as to say you're arrogant, simply because you're nice to them or maybe it's because you never speak to them.
i love that you are someone who i imagine would hold me roughly against the wall with one hand, but softly hold me with your other hand while you kiss me, if you kissed me.
i love caring what someone thinks again.
i hate that i am probably not what you want to want, one girl in a group of many, a girl who cant decide between little-girl-cute and true woman's beauty (ick), and therefore has neither.
a little too ditzy, a little too naive, a little too obvious. it would almost surely cure me of wanting you in the least.

12/10/07
i dont fucking get anything anymore. things should be easy, simple, not thought out and not stressed over. things should be comprehendable and easy to follow but theyre not. nothing is. everything has a limit no matter what its boundaries are. its so fucking ergg. i wish things could last forever. what a naive wish. i know if it ever did come true id be rolling in anxiety of how to get out of the situation i so cleverly got myself into. things should be perfect enough to last forever, feelings, hopes, wishes, desires, appearance, moods, confidence, smiles even, god forsaken fucking smiles! they cant even let laugh set in for a day or two without being blown away by some other fucking force no one even knows. swept away. fucking gone. everything should last forever. things should last forever. why the hell dont they. it would be so easy. so fucking easy.

12/11/07
things are going better than yesterday, i feel better, happier. joey seemed to forget out little dispute last night and it made me feel good. i just wanna put all that behind. i woke up and he left me something that said 'you just cant think your better than anyone else.' that really hurt. i never EVER thought i was better than anyone else EVER. i never WOULD. i never said it to him either. i just said i was an opinionated person and ppl dont understand my opinions. obviously he made my point complete.
anyways. i like someone. idk if i would ever have a chance with him cause he has alotttt of friends and hes a junior and everything. but he seems really sweet and stuff, you know, the usual. im in dire need of a boyfriend too, idk why but i just want one really bad recently. i miss having someone to say is mine, miss holding hands, holding eachother, telling ppl im taken when they ask. its good. specially the excitement on the aniversaries, i miss that. i hope something comes outta our relationship. itd be cool.
i found out my friend is a very deep person. he doesnt talk much but when he does talk its INTENSELY DEEP. like about god and politics (i think) and death and ppl and poverty and shizz. idk hes just wiked cool like that. haha, and he has a lisp. so i got his sn and i hope we can have some in depth conversations soon. thad be cool too. might be going christmas shopping soon. im glad my new friend (that i like) is in my life. i hope he makes it interesting. i hope we make it far. haha. forever would be cute.

12/11/07
what? did you get close to me and get a nice clear glimpse of all my flaws? did the sound of my voice crack open a bad side of your heart? whats is with people. i take things too seriously. i need to lighten up. i need to see hope in things like anne marie says. i really do enjoy seeing her, i get to spill out my worries and concerns to someone who is not opinionated, not sided, and has a lean slate to write it all down on. she doesnt take sides and point out whats wrong or right. she doesnt intterupt me right in the middle of what im saying to point out my wrong points in the story im telling, or the theory im explaining. i enjoy her company and i wish i could see her more often. shes the only one these days that seems to give me any hope at all. alicia doesnt believe and joey doesnt talk to me about anything like that anymore. anne marie tells me she believes and she tells me stories and gives me a glimpse of hope. i like the way she talks about it, too. she explains it as 'a mortal rhelm' or however the hell you spell it. i like that about her, she uses goofy slang fantasty terms that naive kids wouldnt understand. and if i told joey that hed probably flip out at me saying any kid would understand that term and that i shouldnt judge people. since when did he become so... on the other peoples side? he never agrees anymore. maybe its just that i never have the stronger argument. but i dont feel like arguing im so fucking sick of it. ive never argued ever about something pointless and dumb untill we started disputing. he never talks about that fun stuff we used to talk about. hes just no fun anymore. i miss him so much. i know he hasnt gone anywhere but he hasnt made an appearance in my empty mind of ideas recently. maybe thats why i feel so ew. people suck.
some days i feel just so in, so accepted. other days no one glances at me, no one compliments me, comments me, asks me quesions, asks me about a story, for a story, listens to my stories. not that i have any to tell. but it seems like WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF RUMORS HAVE BEEN SPREADING ABOUT ME RECENTLY?! do i fucking start them by myself? do i like do it in my sleep or something?? who woulddd start a rumor about me? joey knows everythig about me and i hope he wouldnt go and tattle on me for my beliefs or my sob stories or times of need. god i hope he wouldnt. alicia and kaitlyn would NEVERRR. no one else knows anything, so maybe people make things up. im probably coming to conlusions too quickly though. it feels like it though. today at school people didnt seem to care about me or anything i had to say. no one. what do they see when they look at me? what the fuck do they see?
do they see a fucking physco lunatic who hangs out with all the fucking stoners so has to be a dead end at some point in their life? do they see me as the girl that sits with the losers at lunch and doesnt talk?? am i that girl that i used to pity cause she was so pretty and she could be so much more but chose not to?! im not even fuking pretty idk what im saying to myself. i hate my skin. i hate it hate it hate it. maybe they see me as the girl with bad skin that doesnt do anything to help it, or that wears bad makeup to try to cover it up. maybe shes trying to cover up more than just her fucking blemishes. each coat could be a fucking sheet to cover each open fucking wound from stories people tell me, from losses ive had, from mistakes ive made, from regrets i take to heart. maybe thats what they see. they see a plain girl with nothing. bad makeup and too many of her own regrets to see what the fuk anyone else has to say.
well im not. i do have regrets and they do take over my life, but i dont let them. i try like hell so they dont. people think i dont deserve to be who i am, and to act how i act, i guarantee it. they see the perfect family, house, pets, backyard, friendships. they dont see my distorted mind. they dont see the anger my own thoughts produce. they dont know about my fucking messed up over analyzing, not prone to repressing anything. its an open wound and every little negative thought is a little germ that causes an infection which spreads through my body. cant they try to understnad?

12/16/07
im feeling better. im feeling great infact. today was a good day. last night was primely the reason. i see hope. i like to look at hope and hold it to heart untill i get a let down that distroys the hope. but theres really only one thing that could distroy this type of hope and i dont think itll happn anytime soon. hopefully.
im making efforts to talk to him. my face is clearing up so i feel more comfortable and we've been talking alot via aim. the more i talk to him the more i like him. its like a vicious circle. its a good vicious circle though =] idk. ive liked him in my past but we never talked, but now that we talk i think there could be a chance, and i hope im not pressuring him or anything.
thats all for today though i suppose.